Not to Plan
by Spiderlass
Summary: Hater has a very specific idea of how he wants things to go during his first time. They don't, of course, but luckily Wander's there to help him through it.


**A/N: WARNING! HERE THERE BE PORN! There, I warned you.**

Hater swallowed hard as he waited outside his bathroom.

"You... you almost ready in there?" He called to Wander.

"Almost! Go lie down on the bed, okay?"

The overlord swallowed nervously once more. "O... Okay." He said warily, quietly walking over to his fluffy bed- the waterbed was _long _gone, it had started to give him back problems- and sitting down.

_Alright, Hater, you can do this. You've got the plan down, you know all the logistics, you can _do _this. It's just... it's just sex. Sex with Wander. Sex with Wander who you are completely, stupidly in love with and are too terrified to tell. Sex for the first time with Wander. Sex for the first time in general. _

Hater grabbed a pillow, hoping to muffle his anxious screaming.

"You okay in there, honey?" Wander called.

The conqueror froze, nearly tossing the pillow at the wall in a panic. "Y-Yeah! Fine, perfectly fine, just... just waiting on you!"

He heard Wander giggle. "Well, then, close your eyes!"

With another hard swallow, the overlord did so, gripping at the blankets. "Al... Alright, they're closed."

"You _suuuureee?"_

Hater rolled his closed eyes. "Yes, Wander, I'm sure."

Another giggle, followed by the sound of the bathroom door opening and quiet footsteps. The bed shifted as Wander got on it, and Hater clenched his jaw slightly when he felt small hands on his shoulders.

"Alright, open them."

Though he felt like he might throw up from nervousness, Hater slowly opened his eyes, involuntarily sucking in a breath- which was weird because technically he had no need to breathe- when he saw his boyfriend. He was dressed in lacy red-and-black lingerie, the cloth see-through over his torso. Around his neck was a leather collar with Hater's symbol on it, a golden lightning bolt.

Hater felt like all of his anxiety drained out of him at once, replaced by rapidly spiking arousal and- dare he think it- _love _for his boyfriend.

"O... Oh. Oh, um, _wow, _hi, I... wow."

Wander giggled, getting onto Hater's lap and pecking him on the lips. "Hi to you too, baby."

The overlord grinned, blushing brightly as he kissed Wander deeply, the nomad moaning into his mouth as he wrapped his arms around Hater's neck. The skeleton could feel himself getting harder and harder as Wander swiped his tongue into his mouth, repeating the motion gently. Cautiously, Hater moved his hands to his soon-to-be lover's back, slipping his hand beneath the frilly nightdress and rubbing circles into the warm fur on Wander's back. Just as he was about to slide his hand beneath the black panties, though, he heard a familiar, somewhat angry growling.

"Wh- CAPTAIN TIM, NO!" He yelled as he pulled away from his boyfriend, grabbing his pet in midair before it could latch onto Wander and try to pull his heart out. He grumbled angrily as he got up, walking over to his bedroom door and pulling it open.

"Go torment someone else, dammit, I'm _busy!" _He growled as he tossed the monstrosity out, slamming the door and locking it.

He groaned, rubbing circles into his temples as he made his way back to the bed. "Sorry about that- OOF!" He yelled as he suddenly tripped, landing flat on his face on the hard floor.

"You okay?!" Wander cried, getting off the bed and running over to his boyfriend.

"Mmurrghh... 'm fine..." He mumbled, rubbing his head as he got onto his hands and knees. "Just... tripped over..." He paused, groaning when he saw the spare pair of sneakers that he'd fallen over. "Some shoes..."

Wander giggled, taking his hand and gently pulling him to his feet. "Well, no harm done, right?"

_Just a bruised ego, _Hater thought bitterly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Guess not."

His tiny boyfriend smiled, and the overlord couldn't help but grin a bit at the fact that Wander had to use both his hands to cover his as he pulled him back towards his bed.

They settled back on the bed, this time with Wander laying down and Hater laying on top of him. Unfortunately, just as the overlord was about to kiss him again, he moved his knee ever so slightly, the joint landing on the remote control to his sound system. Loud, angry metal started blasting from the speakers around them, making Wander squeak in surprise.

"Sorry!" Hater apologized loudly, fumbling with the remote until he finally managed to turn the music off. He sighed as he set it down on the bedside table, covering his face with his hand.

Wander smiled up at him, taking his other hand and kissing the back of it, never moving to remove the rubber glove, as he remembered how nervous it made Hater. "It's okay, Hatey. No harm done." He looked up at his boyfriend with half-lidded eyes as he gently touched Hater's still clothed chest, making the overlord blush. "Why, ah... why don't we slip this off, yeah?"

Hater swallowed hard, grinning nervously. "U-Uh... uh, yeah, okay, that's... that's fine."

He moved back a bit, sitting up and pulling his robe up past his knees, pausing only to kick off his shoes and peel off his socks.

_Time to put on a bit of a show, _he thought smugly as he slowly started to pull up on his robe, relishing the way that Wander's face started to flush, his lips seeming to part involuntarily as his eyes drifted downward to the bulge in Hater's boxers. Hater grinned when he saw the tiny tent starting to form in Wander's panties, knowing that it was all because of _him_.

However, he seemed to encounter a bit of a... _problem _when he reached his head.

_Shit._

"... Hater?" Wander asked gently after a moment. "You okay?"

The overlord hesitated, weighing his ego against just how _badly _he wanted Wander.

"... 'm stuck." He admitted after a minute, his voice muffled by the cloth.

Wander blinked. "Huh?"

"... My horns got caught on my robe. I need help."

"O-Oh. Oh!" The nomad cried when he realized what Hater meant, scrambling to his feet and moving to help his boyfriend get free. It took a bit of maneuvering, but soon enough the two managed to get his robe over his head, Hater tossing it aside with a grumble.

"Are you alright?"

Hater mumbled something that sounded a lot like "fine", moving over and kissing Wander. "Can... can we just forget that happened?"

The nomad smiled, laying back down and spreading his legs. "If that's what you want, darling."

The overlord couldn't help but grin, wondering just how he managed to get the galaxy's most understanding boyfriend as he moved between Wander's legs, kissing him as he lined his crotch up with the nomad's. Wander moaned into Hater's mouth, slipping his hands beneath Hater's tank top and rubbing at his ribcage. The skeleton felt his cock throb with pleasure, rubbing his still-clothed erection against Wander's repeatedly. The nomad's left hand slipped out from beneath the tank top, trailing up the corresponding side of Hater's face until he reached his left horn, another weird breath hitching in the overlord's throat as Wander teasingly ran his fingers up and down the length of his horn over and over again, his right hand fondling Hater's collarbone. His hips jerked forward involuntarily, and suddenly everything was _warm, _intense pleasure exploding out of him as his spine went rigid and a loud moan escaped him. After a minute, the feeling faded away, and Hater felt like he was gently falling as he leaned into Wander, a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.

That grin fell immediately when Hater realized that his underwear was suddenly very, _very_ wet, warm, and a little sticky on the inside.

_Oh gob please no tell me I didn't shit I did shit shit SHIT!_

The skeleton quickly sat up, turning away from his boyfriend and huddling into a ball, his face burning so hot that he thought he might just burst into flames, which quite frankly didn't sound so bad at the moment.

"H... Hater?" Wander started gently, sitting up and touching the overlord's shoulder. "Hater, what's the matter?"

The conqueror shrugged away from his boyfriend's touch. "Nothing." He lied, refusing to look at Wander. He felt like he was on the verge of tears, which only served to add to his utter humiliation.

"Sweetheart, come on, you're starting to worry me!" Wander tried, sounding extremely concerned.

Hater swallowed guiltily. First Tim, then the shoes, then the music, then the robe, and now, nightmare of all nightmares, he'd _come_ in his _underwear_ like a stupid, horny, _virginal_ teenager!

He heard Wander sigh behind him, and then felt the bed shift as the nomad got off. Hater's throat hitched, tears starting to well up in his eyes as he drew closer into himself.

This was a _complete disaster. _Not only had _everything _gone wrong, but to top it all off, the thing he feared most had finally happened: he'd scared Wander off, possibly for good.

_Well, what did you expect? _A voice that sounded far too much like his father's said. _Look at you! Why would he stay? And now you've made such a fool out of yourself, no wonder he's left! You're a disgrace!_

"Hater?" Wander suddenly said, making Hater look up in surprise. His (metaphorical) heart nearly broke when he saw the sadness in Wander's big blue eyes, felt how tenderly Wander was touching his jaw. His face turned green with shame, feeling even worse if that was possible.

"Hater, love, what's wrong?"

The skeleton swallowed, looking away. "It's... I... I, um, I can't... I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because... because you'll laugh at me, or- or yell, or leave me, or-!"

"Hater, Hater, honey, please, calm down! I'm not going to do _any _of those things!"

"Yes you will! I-I know you will, b-because it's- it's _humiliating!"_

"Oh, Hater..." Wander whispered gently, moving a little closer to his boyfriend. "Sweetheart, why would you think that I would-?!"

_Squish._

The entire world seemed to freeze around them as both Wander and Hater's eyes widened, both looking down at the space between them. A bit of Hater's cum had leaked out of one of the legs of his boxer shorts, leaving a small puddle just where Wander had stepped. Besides that, there was a rather conspicuous wet spot over most of the lower part of Hater's underpants.

"O... Oh." Wander whispered, looking entirely surprised.

Hater groaned, covering his burning face with his hands. "I am so, _so _sorry, I- I didn't _mean _to-!"

"Oh, sweetheart, of course you didn't!" Wander cried quickly, covering Hater's hands with his own and gently pulling them to his chest. "It's okay, really! It happens to _everyone, _it's not the end of the world-!"

"Yes it is!" Hater all but wailed, turning away and flopping down on his stomach. "I-I had... I had this whole plan for tonight! I was going to make it good for you, and instead _nothing _has gone right, I've made a complete fool of myself, and now I've- gob, I feel so _stupid! _I just- just wanted to make you happy, because I really- I really luh-!"

Hater froze, clamping his jaw shut and covering his mouth with his hands.

_SHIT._

He'd... he'd almost said... he nearly told Wander... SHIT.

"H... Hater?" Wander whispered after a moment. "Hater, did you... are you trying to say that you _love_ me?"

The overlord's face burned even more. "I... I... could we please pretend that I didn't almost say that?"

He could feel Wander shifting around on the bed, and a moment later he felt a pair of small hands slip into his and a pair of fuzzy lips pressing against the top of his head.

"I love you, too."

Hater froze, jerking his head up to stare at Wander, who was giving him a misty-eyed smile.

"Wh... you... I... r... really?"

The nomad grinned. "Yes, really. I _love _you, Hater. And I'm not going to leave just because things aren't going the way you planned. No one's first time _ever _goes the way they want."

The skeleton spluttered a bit. "I... I... y-you _knew?!"_

"Well, I was pretty sure, anyway."

"B... But _how?!"_

"Instincts. The fact that you just told me you had a plan sort of confirmed my suspicions." Wander smiled up at him, pulling him close. "Sweetheart, really, I need you to just relax. Trust me, this is _nothing _compared to the disaster that was _my _first time."

Hater paused, pulling back and looking at his boyfriend. "R... Really?"

"Yes. Do you want to know what happened?" When the skeleton nodded, he took a deep breath. "I was about seventeen. He was my first boyfriend, and... and I thought I was in love with him. We were at his house, and his parents were out, and looking back on it, I think he planned it like that, but at the time I thought it was spontaneous. Anyway, we went into his bedroom, and he had me suck him off for a while before he put on the condom and had me lube myself up, and then he fucked me. That's it. No pleasuring me, no kissing, just about ten seconds of ramming before he came, pulled out, rolled over and fell asleep." He snorted. "I had to go sneak into the bathroom and get myself off. We broke up about a week later."

"Oh, geez... That... that sounds _awful."_

"It _was. _But that's not the point. I had this whole romantic idea that he would be sweet and gentle, put my pleasure before his." He smiled, taking Hater's hand again. "And of course that didn't happen, because he was too immature to think about what I might want, and I never told him. So I'll tell you what I want: I want you to relax and enjoy yourself. Don't worry so much about how you look right now. Sex isn't dignified; it's messy and carnal and sometimes it's a little gross. But more than anything, it's about _being _with someone." He leaned up, kissing Hater on the lips. "And you're doing pretty good in that regard, so stop worrying so much."

Hater smiled despite himself, holding the nomad as he kissed him. "I love you." He finally whispered against Wander's lips.

"I love you too. Now take off your undies, I can't imagine that they're very comfortable at this point."

Hater paused, realizing for the first time that the sticky fluid had started to become cold against his bones. "O-Oh, um, yeah..." He mumbled sheepishly, hooking his thumbs into the waistband, pausing for a moment before pulling them off. His crotch was a bit of a mess, cooling cum dripping off of his flaccid cock as he tossed the underpants aside.

Wander whistled appreciatively. "Wooow. Not bad, Hatey."

The overlord blushed, grinning a little. "U-Um... thanks."

The nomad grinned at him before scooting towards his boyfriend, leaning down close to his crotch.

"Mind if I clean you up?"

Hater flushed, staring at his lover. "U-Uh... Um, uh, okay, I... I guess. What did you have in miiiiiinnd eeeeeep!"

The overlord let out an embarrassing squeak when he felt the nomad lick at his cock, flushing and moaning as Wander 'cleaned' him, making him start to get hard again. After a minute, Wander sat up, a tiny bit of Hater's cum on his chin.

"Oh, u-um, let... let me get that..." The skeleton said, wiping the mess away with his thumb. A pink tongue darted out teasingly, whipping past Hater's thumb and making his throat hitch again. Before he could think about it, the overlord moved forward, smashing his mouth against his lover's. Wander opened his mouth pliantly, and Hater could _taste _himself on him, and gob that should be so _gross _but instead it was so incredibly _hot. _Silently, he snaked one of his hands down Wander's tummy, relishing the little moans that came out of the nomad's mouth when he slipped his hand into the black undies and started to rub at his much-neglected cock, moving his hand just a little lower to rub at it with the palm of his hand-

_Squish._

Hater paused, frowning at the sound. "W... Wander? Did... did you...?"

"H... Hah?" The nomad whispered, looking up at Hater before flushing bright scarlet. "O-Oh! Oh, um, no, that's... I... I forgot to tell you, didn't I?"

"Tell me what?"

Wander cleared his throat, scooting back and hooking his thumbs into his own underwear. "P... Promise not to freak out?"

"... Wander, what in the _world _do you have down there?"

"It's- it's nothing _bad, _I promise!" The nomad said quickly. "It's just... um... Star Nomads are... a little _different _from most species."

"... Okaaay... how different are we talkin' here?"

With another deep breath, the nomad pulled down the panties, freeing his cock, a small, brownish-orange little curve, while at the same time revealing...

"O... Oh."

Well.

He hadn't expected that.

Wander had a cock, yes, he'd figured that out.

He also seemed to have a _vulva_.

A very flushed, very _wet _vulva.

One that was... oh dear gob it was _dripping._

Hater swallowed hard, his prick throbbing with interest.

"You... You, um, you don't have to... you know... if you don't want to..." Wander mumbled, looking extremely embarrassed.

"... Hah?" The overlord asked after a minute.

"I-I mean, if you don't want to sleep together anymore, we don't have-!"

"Wh- Oh! Oh, no, that's not... I, um, I just..." Hater grit his teeth in frustration, trying to figure out how to verbalize his thoughts. After a minute, he gave up, opting to lean in and kiss Wander lightly instead.

"H... Hater...?"

"I... I want to. _So _badly. Now, _please_, lie back." He mumbled against Wander's lips, cradling his jaw with his hands.

The nomad didn't need to be told twice, as he was on his back within seconds, Hater's hand between his legs and rubbing at his bits.

"A-Ahh..." Wander moaned, gripping at the sheets below. "H... Hater..."

The skeleton hummed, reaching over and opening the drawer of his nightstand, rooting around for a bit before pulling out a couple of items.

"O-Oh, um... I didn't really... y'know, _know _about the situation down there..." Hater mumbled sheepishly, handing Wander the bottle of lube he'd grabbed. "Will this work, or should I go get your hat?"

Wander skimmed over the label, looking up and smiling at his lover. "This'll be fine, love."

Hater grinned back at him, kissing him once more as he opened the box of condoms. He struggled with the wrapper for a moment before finally tearing it open, hurrying to get the condom on. Once that was done, Wander handed him the lube, which he quickly opened up and used, slipping in one, two, three fingers and moving them around, smiling at the small noises Wander made whenever he hit a certain spot.

"H... Hatey... oh, Hater, that's enough, please, just-!"

"Y... Yeah..." Hater muttered, pulling his fingers out and moving to replace them with his cock. "R... Ready when you are..."

Wander looked up at him, a small smile on his face. "Kiss me."

"Hmm?"

"When... when you do it, I want you to kiss me. Please?"

Hater blinked, then smiled, moving down to kiss his boyfriend. "Okay."

Right as he pressed his mouth to Wander's, the skeleton pushed in, the nomad gasping into his mouth.

"Oh!"

"Y... You alright? Doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Mm... not... not really, you're... gob, you're just so _big!"_

Hater blushed bright green. "O-Oh... oh, um, well, thanks."

Wander smiled, leaning up and kissing his boyfriend once more before moving his hips down slightly.

"Now, _please, _move!"

Hater didn't need to be told twice, because the instant he got permission to move he did so, thrusting tentatively into his lover once, twice, over and over again, changing angles slightly each time in order to find something Wander would like.

"Oh!" The nomad cried out suddenly, his back arching.

"You... you like that?"

"Yes! Yes! Again! Please!"

The skeleton did as he asked, hitting it over and over again, moving one of his hands to fondle Wander's cock as he tried to stave off his own orgasm. No _way _was he going to leave Wander in the lurch if he could help it.

Suddenly, a shiver ran down Hater's spine, the conqueror clamping his jaw tightly shut when he felt Wander's hand on his horn.

"D-Don't!" He moaned, faltering in his thrusts for a moment as he gently moved the nomad's hand away.

"Wh... Why not-?! AAH!"

Hater clutched at the sheets below as he jerked his hips forward _hard. _"S... Sensitive... I'll come if you keep that up."

Wander let out a breathless moan. "Wh... What's the problem with that scenario?"

The skeleton released a half-frustrated, half-so-very-aroused groan. "Don't wanna come, not yet, want you to- _please, _Wander, I... I need..." He babbled, trying to make the right words come out.

Wander bit his lower lip, his toes curling in delight as he felt white-hot pleasure starting to coil inside of him. "Mmmph, I... I don't think that's going to be too much of a problem-! OH!"

The nomad wrapped his legs around Hater's waist, grabbing him by the collarbone as his back arched. "Hater, Hatey, love, I, aahhh! Harder, just a little harder, so close, _please_!"

One, two, three exceptionally hard thrusts to that _spot, _and that was it; Wander screamed his lover's name as he finally hit his peak, shaking with pleasure as he came. Hater sped up the pace, and it wasn't long before he came for the second time that night, this time calling out Wander's name over and over like a prayer.

For a moment, the two of them were still, Hater quietly listening to Wander catch his breath.

"H... How... How was that?" The skeleton asked nervously, too afraid to look into Wander's eyes.

The nomad smiled, leaning up and kissing him softly. "Not bad. Not bad at all, baby."

Hater let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't realized he was holding, smiling a little as he pulled out of Wander and slipped off the condom. Beside him, the nomad took off the lingerie, grimacing when he saw the white stains on the sheer black fabric.

"Aw, man! These are gonna take _forever _to get out!"

Hater frowned, looking at the cloth. "Oh, um, there's a laundromat on board, I'm pretty sure they can get those out for you."

Wander glanced up at his boyfriend. "You, uh, think they'll be, y'know, _discreet?"_

Hater snorted. "I'm their _boss, _if I tell them to be discreet, then you bet your furry little butt they'll be discreet."

The nomad grinned mischieviously. "Oh, so you've paid enough attention to my butt to figure out that it's furry, then?"

The skeleton grinned back at him. "Well, it's a very _nice _butt, after all."

Hater had long since decided that he loved Wander's laugh, but it still gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling inside when he heard it.

"Well, I like _your _boney butt, too!"

"... I'm not entirely sure that what I have counts as a butt, actually."

Wander grinned up at him. "I like it anyway!"

Hater smiled, leaning back a little.

Unfortunately, he realized too late that he was too close to the edge of the bed, falling off with a yelp.

"OH COME ON!"

Wander couldn't help but giggle a bit, climbing off the bed to check on his boyfriend.

"You okay, honey?"

Hater grumbled.

"Would a kiss make you feel better?"

"... Maybe."

The nomad quite happily obliged him.


End file.
